Hard To Say Goodbye
Remembering Those I Love
Between November 15, 2024 and December 16, 2024, two newly found cousins, an associate I admired, and my closest childhood friend transitioned. Each transition deepened my sadness with my close friend’s death worsening the heartbreak and emotional pain I felt.
It has been a struggle to feel joy though I’ve shared moments of joy, laughter, and fun with others as we continued life on this side. Death brings its own kind of joy if the person transitioning has been suffering. We are not happy to see them leave, but relieved that they are no longer burdened by pain and, in some instances, fear of what awaits them.
I don’t know what my cousins felt though each appeared ready to cross over into the other realm. Both died before I had a chance to spend time with them. In one instance I knew the mother of one and the sister of the other. All new cousins, the living and the deceased, were found via one DNA match on Ancestry.com. That one match led to a branch of my family whom I thought had disappeared from the family tree decades ago. It’s been joyful and sad to discover them, especially as I have letters written by some who transitioned not too many years after my birth.
On the other hand, my closest childhood friend, Alfa Anderson Barfield, was ready to leave this life as we know it. Her husband, Eluriel (Tinkr) Barfield, shared this thought at her funeral in Georgia and later at her Celebration Of Life in New York City. He believes she stayed on this side longer to help him adjust to the fact that she would soon not be present. She is not the first person whom I’ve known to have prayed silent prayers for more time here so that they could help prepare loved ones for their absence.
What I know is Alfa was in my thoughts for weeks before I received her husband’s call. I had not seen her since the release of her solo album Music From My Heart. What a divine evening!
In fact I was planning to make a Christmas recording to send her and Tinkr when I saw his name appear in my caller ID. My stomach sank. I knew the call was sad news. Indeed it was. My dear friend transitioned a week earlier.
Tinkr hadn’t been able to locate my phone number so I was learning of her death a week late. Late or the same day, the news was heartbreaking. Worse yet was that I couldn’t make the funeral in Georgia.
I did make the Celebration of Life in New York at The Sugar Bar. It was joyful.
Yes. sadness and grief were present, but seeing her photo and hearing her songs helped all present to celebrate our songbird, our cheerleader, the mother, sister, aunt, friend, lover of people we all knew her to be.
Watching the video Tinkr prepared for us took me back to meeting Alfa in 6th grade. From that Fall through the Spring of our ninth grade year—we were in the same homeroom, in school plays, and played in our junior high school band. She played the saxophone, and I played the Eb upright horn.
We attended different high schools because I moved to NYC. However, after Alfa graduated Lucy Laney High School, she moved to NYC. We resumed our friendship, keeping in touch until her transition.
I miss my friend. I’m imagining she’s busy singing and writing music. She’s connecting with family and friends already on the other side. One day we’ll see each other again. Until then Alfa, I’m
Hi Steven. Condolences to you as well. It’s truly hard when we lose those we love. Feelings become more fragile and sometimes we just have to get away. Away to that place where our spirit finds solace and peace. Listening to Alfa’s songs, especially from her solo album brings me enormous peace. She has a song on it called “Sending You Love” that’s deeply spiritual and makes me feel loved and at peace. As lead vocalist for the disco-funk group “Chic,” she explored her voice in so many ways. She also sang backup for many other well known singers like Luther Vandross and Diana Ross. She loved educating and sharing with other so she got a second master’s degree in administration and became principal of an elementary school. Her staff and the young students loved her so much.
I think your loved ones knew how much you loved them. And I’m sure your cat did. We keep them alive in our hearts and memories.
meant a lot to see this. It has been pretty rough on my end as well, which is expected as we get older, but it don't mean it does not hit us. thanks for writing this.